Getting pregnant today!

Waiting in the parking lot of the fertility clinic, while they wash my husband's sperm, politely referrer to as "the sample."

Getting this off my chest

Feeling sad, angry, depressed, frustrated today. My desk at work got moved which is actually awesome. However, I'm worried that one of my coworkers absolutely hates it. He didn't seem too pleased when I came in this morning, and overall I feel like he just hates everything about me. Is it possible that my gut is correct about this? or am I super paranoid?? Obviously I hope he doesn't hate me. It just makes me feel hopeless about myself. And why is that the case? Why do I put so much stock, or base my own self-worth, on how I think someone is feeling about me? I should know that I'm good already. I also imagine that half of the things he's typing are IMs to other people complaining about me. So am I crazy? I know as a fact he was super annoyed by my wishing to arrange desks in a fun way in our office. So I gave up on that, and decided to just pursue changing my own desk around. But we work together, so it was also moved right next to him. So now I feel like there's an aura of displeasure and disdain, which I was a little distanced from before, so I didn't feel it quite so much until today.

Then after trying to give a helpful pointer to another coworker, basically seeing that he was encountering a problem that I'd had, and hoping to give him some advice so he could learn from my efforts, he basically questioned some of the premises of the problem itself. To be honest, I wouldn't mind if he is right, or is able to remove those obstacles so that people don't encounter the problem in the future. But what was frustrating is that the conversation became really complicated, or I wasn't explaining it clearly, and he kept expressing his own confusion, and I felt super stupid for not being able to communicate it properly. An additional frustration is that if he is able to remove the root cause, which is a good thing for everyone else, but doesn't validate that I went through all the effort to fix my own version of the situation, and it kind of wasted my time.

I'm listening to the Dalai Lama right now, trying to produce more compassion for others and kind thoughts, in order to reduce anxiety and stress, and improve my chances for happiness. Maybe it will sink in....

update

Stressing out kind of hard right now. We need to move Aunt May to another home at the end of the month because she doesn't have enough money to stay where she is. In fact, I paid $600 towards her current month's rent. She actually doesn't quite have enough money to afford the next place, but hubby and I thought we could probably cover a couple hundred dollars a month difference. The quality of the new place is just about the same (if not a little better).

We took auntie to visit it last Saturday. We hoped she would have an open mind, but she got upset and refused to sign a document we offered her, and insisted that she wouldn't be living there. She met her future roommate, and took an instant dislike, and cataloged a million complaints about everything ranging from the room, to the roomie, to the location. We tried to point out the positive but she wouldn't hear of it. Finally on the way home, hubby and auntie got into a little argument which made things tense. I stayed out of it. But then when we brought her to her residence, I walked her up and had a talk with her. I explained the background of her finances, what her situation was and why she needed to move. At the end of it, glory be, she said she would try to make it work. I was relieved, but deep in my heart I knew it wouldn't last. 

Sure enough. Today I got slammed from two fronts. The first was by an "official" from Orange County whose job it is to advocate for senior citizens. That's a great mission, and I endorse someone doing that. However, this lady is visiting with Aunt May each week and getting an earful of lies and misinformation. It's not purposeful lies, I don't think, it's just that Aunt May has dementia. (One classic example: Aunt May apparently told her she has $17,000 in her bank account. WTF?!?!) And today, just like last week, I got a call from this official, telling me that auntie is very upset and doesn't want to move. She's asking me all sorts of questions about auntie's finances and I don't feel comfortable answering them. I also don't appreciate the premise of her line of questioning, which comes off to me as if she doesn't trust that we're telling the truth, or that we have ulterior motives or something. Here are some gems:

• The director of her current facility for some reason thought the new location was "Alhambra Villas" when in fact it is "Park Place" in Alhambra (NOTE: these names have been changed). Why did this director guy think it was some other place? He never asked me or my husband where it was. Actually now that I think about it, I know as a fact that I gave the correct name over the phone to the marketing director there. So this official today, on the phone, was starting to say that the director knew of this place, and I'm pretty sure she was going to proceed with something super negative. What gives them the right to judge our choices?? and moreover, how dare they judge without even bothering to collect the true facts?? That makes me so pissed off.
• Aunt May apparently thinks we are going to force her to work at a job. I had to laugh at this one. WTFx1000!! I think I know where this came from though. During the above-mentioned "argument," hubby joked that not only would she have to take care of the roommate, but that she'd have to take care of everyone on the whole floor. Don't tell me she took that seriously. The whole idea she had that she would be asked to care for her roommate is ridiculous in the first place. I can't tell you how many times we told her she wouldn't have to take care of her roommate.
• The official asked me today what May's brother "Jonathan"'s financial situation was. I beat around the bush on that one -- I felt like it wasn't any of her business, but I honestly don't even know, anyway. The lady said, "Well, I'm not afraid to call him and ask him." How weird -- why is it so fucking important for her to not move? It's not like we're shipping her to a foreign country or something. It's an hour. away.
• Uncle Jonathan sent me an email saying his daughter "Laurie" was trying to reach me but was unsuccessful (uh, not the case. the last time she reached out was by phone a couple days before Easter). Anyway, he goes on to ask why we're moving Aunt May to Alhambra, because that's over a two-hour drive, and wasn't there anyplace closer? OK A) Are you fucking serious? You visited her pretty much ONE time in a six-month period of time, and now you're asking us to not to move her further away because you want us all to pretend you're really going to go visit her? and B) WAY TO WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO VOICE YOUR CONCERNS, and C) I told you months ago we needed to find a new place for her by this time, and gave you all the fucking criteria for a new place for her, and asked you to HELP ME. You didn't even bother to acknowledge my request in your multiple replies to our Facebook message thread. How dare you question our decision now??!!

I forwarded that lovely email to the hubby and talked to him on the phone. I said, you know what, you were right, we were mistaken to take this responsibility on. Maybe we should abdicate this responsibility to Uncle Jonathan and Laurie, since apparently they would like to be involved. Hubby also said Uncle Jonathan has several hundred thousand dollars and is perfectly capable of financially caring for his sister. So we are planning to discuss this with them this weekend.

So pissed. I MUST relax.

How I'm doing today

I'm back to work as of a week ago, part-time per doctor's instructions, after about 2 full weeks of being out. I have definitely improved since the injury that triggered my absence... I had been getting dressed in the morning, and I turned my head to the right and BOOM, it felt like someone sank a dagger next to my right shoulder and dragged it down my back. So yeah, I've improved since that. But I'm still feeling pain in my shoulder/neck/back area (mostly right side).

I'd like to start doing more healthy physical activity during my time not at work, but not anything strenuous enough to aggravate the problem. So today I did a yoga DVD for abs. There were some poses, like being on my back, raising my head and shoulders as well as my legs off the floor, that were pretty challenging, but overall it felt great to breathe deep and slide through slow-motion crunches and stretches of various kinds. Then I went for a walk (I started out with a super-slow jog and tapered down to a decent-paced walk) along with a plastic grocery bag and rubber glove to pick up trash on the curb along the way to the park a few blocks away. Put on music and kicked off my sorely neglected Nike GPS app (though my cumulative total on the app is now over 93 miles) and kept time with the shuffling music. Even a Christmas song.

So why now is my mind racing with negative thoughts? Today's spiral was triggered by a conversation with a co-worker (I'll call him Joe) about another co-worker's budding romance. Joe insisted that it was great that they were dating, and even if it ends up badly, at least he tried, so better to have loved and lost and all that jazz. I kept insisting that the choice was a bad one, and I had serious doubts about her sincerity and intentions -- based entirely on her public Facebook posts, of course (as well as what she wasn't posting -- i.e., no change in her relationship status). The rumors are flying at work that they'll be moving in together, so if they're really that serious, why wouldn't she be proudly flaunting her love for him as much as her flirty dates with other guys? Why wouldn't she be officially "in a relationship" unless she wanted to keep her options open? But I admit I don't have any firsthand information from either of the lovebirds, only reasons to be cynical, bitter, and critical. It's almost as if it doesn't even matter to my crazy brain what's really happening with them, or how much they might just be enjoying each other's company and not paying much attention to their Facebooks. What do I even care?

I'm also jealous of people at work who seem to want to make sure everyone knows how much fun they are having with their officemates, and exude cheer and humor wherever they go (and yes, they post in-jokes on Facebooks along with goofy pictures and caption it with flirty banter between them). The office I'm in may have its moments with jokes here and there, but the overall mood is doom and gloom and a heavy oppressive mantle of too much work to handle. Stress to take it all on. Being driven to work many many hours of overtime. The completion of one project merely lays down a bridge to the next mountain to climb. I'm actually scheduled to move to the office next door... and I actually can't wait because I feel more opportunity for the new office's mood to be at a sane level. My depression certainly won't be helped by a room full of stress monkeys. Please gods, let the new office not be full of stress monkeys.

They say the more time you spend on Facebook, the more depressed you'll be. This is probably why I haven't posted a status update in, oh, about 3 weeks. What would I say on there?

• Just finished crying my eyes out. What should I wash my face with?
• Wow, lack of exercise isn't eradicating my belly flab like I thought it would. Who's up for ice cream?
• I just realized that my back pain feels like I'm carrying a cross around just like Jesus did. Except for him it was like for a day or something, but for me it's like every day.
• Okay everybody, true confession: I've been depressed for months. I don't have any REAL friends (other than my husband), so I'm pretty sure that none of you will care about this news anyway. So suck it!
• Hmm, what would it be like if I just drove off the road right here? Who would come to my funeral? Nah, maybe not today... I don't want to damage my car.

stuff from today

back pain has been relatively light today. i think it has something to do with the fact that i didn't have to go anywhere.

i think i'll add a pinterest board called "stuff for parties i'll never have."

stuff i did for myself today:

• did yoga with the gaiam DVD (need to get more of these)
• guided imagery podcast from kaiser (although kitties were being mischievous, and needing babysitting during this time, which was really distracting)
• vacuumed the house (this actually hurt my back, but i couldn't stand the dirty floors anymore)
• spent some time sitting by the pool -- this is a MUST for every day. extra points for napping. btw the pool water temp is in the mid 70s! if it hadn't been so windy, i might have taken a swim. also isn't it dangerous to swim by yourself?
• purchased a password manager app and started transferring my passwords there. this is a chore long overdue. i make a terrible practice of keeping them in a "note" on my iPhone -- super insecure! so this is a very good upgrade. so far i really like the app (mSecure Password Manager). one thing that concerns me is actually the security of the company that provides the app. what if their employees decide to hack in? or what if the company actually peeks into this info nefariously? well, i guess i'll be in trouble then. but today, paranoia lost the argument.
• printed a picture for a picture frame -- a really cute one of young Tippy. she was so teeny tiny!!!
• fixed a string of lights. a lightbulb was loose. that is all.
• did laundry. well, it's not done yet. not looking forward to the folding clothes step that comes next :(
• ate healthy. breakfast was cereal and a banana. lunch was a trader joe's salad. snack was a dose of drinkable yogurt. the new brand i got (kefir) is too tart and has a very sharp aftertaste. i think i'll stick with my usual brand (glen oaks, raspberry flavor). i have to admit, though, that my stomach is grumbling.
• made a honey-do list
• wrote in this blog. i need to do this EVERY DAY!!!!

thoughts of the day

Thoughts I had today:

• I'm a mess.
• I don't belong at my job.
• I'm mentally stuck.
• I'm a failure and ashamed to admit it.
• I'm so weak.
• I'm having a mid-life crisis.

A fresh start

So I've been pretty depressed lately. I thought it was triggered by having the aunt living with us, but we moved her out the week before Christmas (this was not as cruel as it may sound). Throughout this time, I have had a terrible attitude at work and prone to uncontrollable crying spells, particularly when forced to self-analyze. It's a horrible, disgusting state of mind, and it's holding me back from life.

I know it's going to come back. But this time I'm going to try a technique recommended from my Kaiser anxiety class. I'm going to "journal" (but I'll do it without using that word as a verb anymore) in this lovely blog here.

My ideal result is to get to a positive mindset more often than not. I would like to think well enough of myself to eat right and exercise, and work my way down to around 135 lbs. I would like to treat other people kindly, even when I don't feel like it. They don't deserve to suffer just because I am. So let's see what happens.