Feeling sad, angry, depressed, frustrated today. My desk at work got moved which is actually awesome. However, I'm worried that one of my coworkers absolutely hates it. He didn't seem too pleased when I came in this morning, and overall I feel like he just hates everything about me. Is it possible that my gut is correct about this? or am I super paranoid?? Obviously I hope he doesn't hate me. It just makes me feel hopeless about myself. And why is that the case? Why do I put so much stock, or base my own self-worth, on how I think someone is feeling about me? I should know that I'm good already. I also imagine that half of the things he's typing are IMs to other people complaining about me. So am I crazy? I know as a fact he was super annoyed by my wishing to arrange desks in a fun way in our office. So I gave up on that, and decided to just pursue changing my own desk around. But we work together, so it was also moved right next to him. So now I feel like there's an aura of displeasure and disdain, which I was a little distanced from before, so I didn't feel it quite so much until today.
Then after trying to give a helpful pointer to another coworker, basically seeing that he was encountering a problem that I'd had, and hoping to give him some advice so he could learn from my efforts, he basically questioned some of the premises of the problem itself. To be honest, I wouldn't mind if he is right, or is able to remove those obstacles so that people don't encounter the problem in the future. But what was frustrating is that the conversation became really complicated, or I wasn't explaining it clearly, and he kept expressing his own confusion, and I felt super stupid for not being able to communicate it properly. An additional frustration is that if he is able to remove the root cause, which is a good thing for everyone else, but doesn't validate that I went through all the effort to fix my own version of the situation, and it kind of wasted my time.
I'm listening to the Dalai Lama right now, trying to produce more compassion for others and kind thoughts, in order to reduce anxiety and stress, and improve my chances for happiness. Maybe it will sink in....
