update

Stressing out kind of hard right now. We need to move Aunt May to another home at the end of the month because she doesn't have enough money to stay where she is. In fact, I paid $600 towards her current month's rent. She actually doesn't quite have enough money to afford the next place, but hubby and I thought we could probably cover a couple hundred dollars a month difference. The quality of the new place is just about the same (if not a little better).

We took auntie to visit it last Saturday. We hoped she would have an open mind, but she got upset and refused to sign a document we offered her, and insisted that she wouldn't be living there. She met her future roommate, and took an instant dislike, and cataloged a million complaints about everything ranging from the room, to the roomie, to the location. We tried to point out the positive but she wouldn't hear of it. Finally on the way home, hubby and auntie got into a little argument which made things tense. I stayed out of it. But then when we brought her to her residence, I walked her up and had a talk with her. I explained the background of her finances, what her situation was and why she needed to move. At the end of it, glory be, she said she would try to make it work. I was relieved, but deep in my heart I knew it wouldn't last. 

Sure enough. Today I got slammed from two fronts. The first was by an "official" from Orange County whose job it is to advocate for senior citizens. That's a great mission, and I endorse someone doing that. However, this lady is visiting with Aunt May each week and getting an earful of lies and misinformation. It's not purposeful lies, I don't think, it's just that Aunt May has dementia. (One classic example: Aunt May apparently told her she has $17,000 in her bank account. WTF?!?!) And today, just like last week, I got a call from this official, telling me that auntie is very upset and doesn't want to move. She's asking me all sorts of questions about auntie's finances and I don't feel comfortable answering them. I also don't appreciate the premise of her line of questioning, which comes off to me as if she doesn't trust that we're telling the truth, or that we have ulterior motives or something. Here are some gems:

• The director of her current facility for some reason thought the new location was "Alhambra Villas" when in fact it is "Park Place" in Alhambra (NOTE: these names have been changed). Why did this director guy think it was some other place? He never asked me or my husband where it was. Actually now that I think about it, I know as a fact that I gave the correct name over the phone to the marketing director there. So this official today, on the phone, was starting to say that the director knew of this place, and I'm pretty sure she was going to proceed with something super negative. What gives them the right to judge our choices?? and moreover, how dare they judge without even bothering to collect the true facts?? That makes me so pissed off.
• Aunt May apparently thinks we are going to force her to work at a job. I had to laugh at this one. WTFx1000!! I think I know where this came from though. During the above-mentioned "argument," hubby joked that not only would she have to take care of the roommate, but that she'd have to take care of everyone on the whole floor. Don't tell me she took that seriously. The whole idea she had that she would be asked to care for her roommate is ridiculous in the first place. I can't tell you how many times we told her she wouldn't have to take care of her roommate.
• The official asked me today what May's brother "Jonathan"'s financial situation was. I beat around the bush on that one -- I felt like it wasn't any of her business, but I honestly don't even know, anyway. The lady said, "Well, I'm not afraid to call him and ask him." How weird -- why is it so fucking important for her to not move? It's not like we're shipping her to a foreign country or something. It's an hour. away.
• Uncle Jonathan sent me an email saying his daughter "Laurie" was trying to reach me but was unsuccessful (uh, not the case. the last time she reached out was by phone a couple days before Easter). Anyway, he goes on to ask why we're moving Aunt May to Alhambra, because that's over a two-hour drive, and wasn't there anyplace closer? OK A) Are you fucking serious? You visited her pretty much ONE time in a six-month period of time, and now you're asking us to not to move her further away because you want us all to pretend you're really going to go visit her? and B) WAY TO WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO VOICE YOUR CONCERNS, and C) I told you months ago we needed to find a new place for her by this time, and gave you all the fucking criteria for a new place for her, and asked you to HELP ME. You didn't even bother to acknowledge my request in your multiple replies to our Facebook message thread. How dare you question our decision now??!!

I forwarded that lovely email to the hubby and talked to him on the phone. I said, you know what, you were right, we were mistaken to take this responsibility on. Maybe we should abdicate this responsibility to Uncle Jonathan and Laurie, since apparently they would like to be involved. Hubby also said Uncle Jonathan has several hundred thousand dollars and is perfectly capable of financially caring for his sister. So we are planning to discuss this with them this weekend.

So pissed. I MUST relax.

How I'm doing today

I'm back to work as of a week ago, part-time per doctor's instructions, after about 2 full weeks of being out. I have definitely improved since the injury that triggered my absence... I had been getting dressed in the morning, and I turned my head to the right and BOOM, it felt like someone sank a dagger next to my right shoulder and dragged it down my back. So yeah, I've improved since that. But I'm still feeling pain in my shoulder/neck/back area (mostly right side).

I'd like to start doing more healthy physical activity during my time not at work, but not anything strenuous enough to aggravate the problem. So today I did a yoga DVD for abs. There were some poses, like being on my back, raising my head and shoulders as well as my legs off the floor, that were pretty challenging, but overall it felt great to breathe deep and slide through slow-motion crunches and stretches of various kinds. Then I went for a walk (I started out with a super-slow jog and tapered down to a decent-paced walk) along with a plastic grocery bag and rubber glove to pick up trash on the curb along the way to the park a few blocks away. Put on music and kicked off my sorely neglected Nike GPS app (though my cumulative total on the app is now over 93 miles) and kept time with the shuffling music. Even a Christmas song.

So why now is my mind racing with negative thoughts? Today's spiral was triggered by a conversation with a co-worker (I'll call him Joe) about another co-worker's budding romance. Joe insisted that it was great that they were dating, and even if it ends up badly, at least he tried, so better to have loved and lost and all that jazz. I kept insisting that the choice was a bad one, and I had serious doubts about her sincerity and intentions -- based entirely on her public Facebook posts, of course (as well as what she wasn't posting -- i.e., no change in her relationship status). The rumors are flying at work that they'll be moving in together, so if they're really that serious, why wouldn't she be proudly flaunting her love for him as much as her flirty dates with other guys? Why wouldn't she be officially "in a relationship" unless she wanted to keep her options open? But I admit I don't have any firsthand information from either of the lovebirds, only reasons to be cynical, bitter, and critical. It's almost as if it doesn't even matter to my crazy brain what's really happening with them, or how much they might just be enjoying each other's company and not paying much attention to their Facebooks. What do I even care?

I'm also jealous of people at work who seem to want to make sure everyone knows how much fun they are having with their officemates, and exude cheer and humor wherever they go (and yes, they post in-jokes on Facebooks along with goofy pictures and caption it with flirty banter between them). The office I'm in may have its moments with jokes here and there, but the overall mood is doom and gloom and a heavy oppressive mantle of too much work to handle. Stress to take it all on. Being driven to work many many hours of overtime. The completion of one project merely lays down a bridge to the next mountain to climb. I'm actually scheduled to move to the office next door... and I actually can't wait because I feel more opportunity for the new office's mood to be at a sane level. My depression certainly won't be helped by a room full of stress monkeys. Please gods, let the new office not be full of stress monkeys.

They say the more time you spend on Facebook, the more depressed you'll be. This is probably why I haven't posted a status update in, oh, about 3 weeks. What would I say on there?

• Just finished crying my eyes out. What should I wash my face with?
• Wow, lack of exercise isn't eradicating my belly flab like I thought it would. Who's up for ice cream?
• I just realized that my back pain feels like I'm carrying a cross around just like Jesus did. Except for him it was like for a day or something, but for me it's like every day.
• Okay everybody, true confession: I've been depressed for months. I don't have any REAL friends (other than my husband), so I'm pretty sure that none of you will care about this news anyway. So suck it!
• Hmm, what would it be like if I just drove off the road right here? Who would come to my funeral? Nah, maybe not today... I don't want to damage my car.