During our argument on Saturday, she said she had asked me how often to clean (her room), and I had said once a week. So she took that to mean that every Monday, she would clean. "So," I asked, "did you clean the day I gave you the vacuum?" "I really don't know," was the answer. And then I'm pretty sure she changed her mind, and said she did clean, but that it hurt the right side of her back. But I said, "I don't think you did clean, because I still see stuff on the floor." So, we'll never know the truth, will we guys?
So today is Monday.
This morning, she was happily setting up a jigsaw puzzle I'd bought her, on the living room coffee table. Cool, I thought -- this will exercise her mental faculties. I was home most of the day, but had left her alone for a few hours. When I saw her after that, the jigsaw puzzle was gone. "What happened to the puzzle?" I asked her. She said she couldn't really figure it out, so I offered to help do it with her. "You can pick out all the edge pieces, then put those together. You can also work on turning all the pieces right side up." We brought the box back to the coffee table and dumped out most of the pieces, working on finding the edge pieces and turning them all around. We made small talk about how she used to do puzzles as a kid -- she said all the pieces were numbered, and they would just put it together by number. She commented how many pieces there were on this puzzle and how complicated it was. "Well," I remarked, "maybe I could get you a smaller puzzle," and she liked that idea. We kept working on the puzzle. Then I left to do some work, and when I came back, the puzzle was gone again! "What happened to the puzzle??" I asked her. "Well, you said you'd buy a smaller puzzle." "Oh, I didn't know that meant you were giving up on this one!" "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, with no intention of reconsidering. Ugh.
Later, at dinner, I asked her if she knew what Mondays meant. She said yes, but clearly had no idea. I reminded her it was cleaning day. "So did you vacuum today?" "Well, no, because you had me working on that puzzle. I didn't know if I was supposed to work on the puzzle, or clean." But she never asked me which she should work on, and I swear to God, she was working on that puzzle this morning no longer than 10 minutes. I just LOVE how she blames me for not doing her single solitary chore. What the hell??!! This is probably very bad and wrong, but I feel like she's using excuses that will work because they're based on a weakness of hers. For example, she can say it will hurt her physically, or she doesn't remember, or something else that she can't handle. It is terrible to be suspicious, but when she doesn't take responsibility for a very simple chore, when all her needs are otherwise being taken care of, it feels that she's being ungrateful and selfish and lazy. Am I bad for saying that???
Went through her finances today, calculated her assets and her debts. Turns out she would spend about $50/month on Starbucks -- who knew?? various Home Shopping Network and QVC purchases (around 100-200 a month -- and those WON'T happen again), some questionable charges (of course), like memory vitamins for $300+ (FUCK!), a monthly "Auto Advantage" charge of $16, and another direct marketing monthly charge of $20. There is also a weird transfer of $75 from checking to savings, and then back to checking again. WTF? Don't even get me started on the "personal loan" that she is paying off. I asked her what the loan money had been for. "I didn't get any money." "Well, you know how a loan works -- the bank gives you a wad of money, and then you pay it back. So now you're paying it back, which means they gave you a bunch of money -- what did you use it for?" "They didn't give me any money." "Doesn't that sound strange to you? Doesn't that sound wrong?" "Yes."
The truth is out there.
In the meantime, I may have no hair left on my head.
On the upside, it seems at first glance that she will be able to pay off her debts, pay me back for all the prescriptions I've gotten for her, and then (after those are paid off), pay us rent.
Her chores for tomorrow:
1) vacuum her bedroom floor, wipe her bathroom counters
2) call Geico and ask them to lower her car insurance to "not being operated" (or whatever it's called) since it's not being used
3) call Auto Advantage to cancel4) call DMV to ask them how she's supposed to get a senior ID card when she mailed her driver's license back to them already, and no longer has valid ID. THIS chore, I predict she will miserably fail on, because I explained it about 5 times, and she had this blank look on her face. I told her I can't call the DMV, that she has to do it. (Even though on Saturday she asked me to do it because she was too "disgusted" with them -- oh sure, let me take care of all your uncomfortable and unpleasant chores for you!) This is another scenario where I imagine that she is smart enough to pretend to not get it, so that I will end up doing it for her. My husband encourages me not to enable her, that I need to let her feel the consequences for not doing things for herself. I do have this weird thing where I want to take care of her and help her, but then resent her for all the extra work I'm doing. I think my husband is right, that it boils down to gratitude, and feeling like the work I'm doing is appreciated, and that when I don't get that, I feel resentful. YES! He said I shouldn't expect her to appreciate it, that she's not capable of it, and pretty nearly never has been. I have to say, I do feel an underpinning of rage about it, so I definitely need to watch it, and let her fend for herself around the house much more. No more bringing her a tray of food into her room like she's on vacation and I'm a cocktail waitress. We'll see how if I can pull it off.
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